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Fumbling Toward Greatness, a Quest for the True Self

Updated: Mar 13



What a Year, and It's Not Over Yet...

As I write this, I'm in the midst of another spiritual shift. A breaking down of all I knew before to make way for something new. It occurred to me a couple months ago to my utter surprise, that I may not be out of my dark night of the soul experience. This is not to say that I haven't undergone significant change, but that the depth of the transition hasn't yet happened. It sometimes feels as though I'm constantly standing on the precipice of great transformation. I can look back and see great changes have happened, but know that it's not over. That sun has not risen yet... but I can see the light.


What Does it Mean?

To be changing, growing in such indescribable ways, and yet feel like I'm standing still? To feel untethered from the life I knew, and still know I've got work to do? To me, I suppose it means that I'm human. This spiritual being, living a human existence was bound to be a bit messy.


It's funny... I really want to speak from a place of completion, but I truly have no idea who I'll be when this is over. There is no way to speak from that place. I simply have to trust that I'll find my way through this maze, releasing anything that doesn't serve me as I go.


I'm still here.

I'm stronger for the journey I've already been on. I'm listening. I'm doing my best to be patient, not to push so hard. Doing my best to let love in, be kind, gentle, and compassionate, knowing that I truly belong. Still, some days of recent are sadness, even fewer are anger... for me, that is immense progress. I remember, not that long ago, that every day was anger. Anger and pain and utter despair. This, for me, was the darkest of the dark nights. I couldn't see my way out. It was almost unbearable. All I could do was to keep tapping, keep crying, keep breathing, and not do anything I might later regret. As a result, I'm still here. The sunrise and sunset are just a little sweeter. Each holiday, a little beacon that I make it to safely.


Should I Wait?

Wait to live, wait until I'm perfect in some way? Wait to take steps to help others going through their own transformations? Should I wait until I'm on the other side of this seemingly indefinite transition so that I can speak from a place of authority and certainty? It's something I've been asking myself lately. The answer that keeps presenting itself is, no, don't wait. I can point to all of the things I've made it through and bolster myself up to prove to myself and others that I've got what it takes to get through it and to help others do the same. I could speak of my personal experience recovering from burnout, moving from this pain or that limiting belief to a more healed, loving place and they would all be true. But here's the deal... I'm not done growing. I won't ever be done growing.


The growth process is messy and unpredictable, and painful and beautiful. It is a journey. Who knows when I'll truly be done with this particular leg of my trip? So my lesson in all of this is to be just as I am, growing and changing right alongside others doing the same, knowing, in some ways, we are all just fumbling toward greatness.


Your Maze Isn't My Maze

Spiritual growth is uniquely orchestrated for each of us. Even when I make it through the maze, I will only be able to offer my assistance from my own perspective. Your maze isn't my maze. Your world isn't my world. Your dark night of the soul, isn't mine. What I do know, is that there are things that make this dark night of the soul experience bearable, that bring meaning to it, even as it feels meaningless. There are exercises, practices, meditations, and breathing techniques. However, one of the most valuable things you can have on your journey, is the connection with others who are on their own spiritual paths.


Going Through, Not Around

I've been walking this path of a spiritual seeker for as long as I can remember. The internal work that I began as a child, closing my eyes, feeling my energy, looking deeply into the darkness of myself to see what I could find... it has brought me so much knowledge, so many treasures. As I began meeting others who worked with energy for healing, read runes or tarot cards, and understood astrology, I knew I'd found my people. These were folks who knew there was more under the surface of life. These were the people I reached out to in my quest to find inner peace and understand what I was going through. What I found was that their assistance was always helpful, however, as it turned out, I would have to do the heavy lifting in my own spiritual growth. This process isn't meant to be something that you can go get a prescription for. You have to walk the path. You have to go through, not around.


What I looked for next, was someone who had been through this, someone who could guide me in meditations, exercises, tapping scripts, anything. There were blog posts, websites, and even a journal that would help you explore your dark night of the soul on your own. Very cool. I didn't get the journal. I was already on the other side of the deepest, darkest part, but I'm intrigued by what it might hold, nonetheless. It turns out that what I was really looking for was a teacher or a mentor, or even a group of people going through this too, who could walk with me. I didn't even know it at the time, but it would have made all the difference. So here's what I decided... if I didn't see it when I needed it, I can create it for others now.


The Quest for the True Self

As part of a year-long program, once a month in 2021, I will hold sacred space via Zoom for personal exploration, emotional excavation, processing and release, and ultimately, spiritual growth to a dedicated group of soul seekers. During this time, you will dive deep into the truth of yourself, clearing the path to healing and growth by using Drum Journeying, Creative Journaling, Exploratory Art Practices, Guided Meditations, and of course Tapping.


Perhaps you are one of those people who is going through massive internal changes and would like a safe space to return to throughout the coming year. Maybe you're walking through the dark night of the soul and want some tools to make it easier, maybe you know something has fundamentally shifted in you and you want to make sense of it and what life looks like now, or maybe you feel a calling for more... an undefinable calling from the depths of your being and want to understand it. If any of these things resonate with you and your experience, please join this list to receive more information.


Never Alone

You may have to do the heavy lifting in your spiritual life, but you certainly don't have to do it without guidance, camaraderie, or fellow companions by your side. We are not alone in this world, even though we may often feel that way. Whatever you are going through, know that in some ways, we are all going through it too. It may look different, it may feel utterly isolating, but we share more common experiences than we give ourselves credit for. In the end, we truly are all one. We just need to get reconnected.


The Journey is Sometimes Slow, but Worth It

If I know one thing about this life, it is that the unexpected is just around the corner. This journey may feel slow, but it's so worth it. I'm happy that I'm still on my path, a little rough around the edges, but leaning into love. I also know that I'm right where I need to be. I don't need to wish to be further along, or beat myself up for not becoming complete perfection yet. For once, I'm good with where I am. Growing, learning, messy, and getting my strength back from the last hike up the mountain. It's alright to take a break when you need one. Your body will tell you when it's time to get up and in which direction to move. You just have to listen. With the right tools and the right map, all things are possible.


Please join this list to receive more information about Quest for Inner Truth: a 2021 year-long program dedicated to your internal exploration, excavation, and spiritual growth.

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